Don't know if you saw any of the American Country Music awards Sunday. What an embarrassment. I can't get over the fact that they have it in Las Vegas. That just ain't right.

It opened with Idol sensation Carrie Underwood. That was supposed to be country music? Memo to Carrie: get with Dolly for some lesson on how to be trashy with class. And some singing lessons.

Next up was Toby Keith, showing off his brilliant songwriting [1] abilities ("Yee Haw! she's a redneck chick, spittin' in the fire, puttin' on a show, struttin like a chicken to the radio"). The chicks dig that, no doubt.

Curious that Toby's so compelled to assert his masculine heterosexuality by objectifying women ("Dress her up boys, I took her from the farm, I brought her downtown, I hung her on my arm"). Not that there's anything wrong with that. Kayay diggity!

Asserting ones heterosexuality seems to be a theme. Check out the big pair on Brad, who performed this [2] ("When you see a priceless painting, I see a drunk naked girl"). With a name like "Paisley" maybe he has to overcompensate? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I couldn't' watch any more. I did catch the very end when Kenny Chesney accepted his Entertainer of the Year Award and thanked his parents for having sex. (Kenny doesn't approve of the award [3] but lobbied his fans for it anyway.) What's up with that guy and why is he so popular? That's a rhetorical question. The answer, of course, is: Marketing!

Anyway, Reba McEntire was about the only authentic person on stage. (And maybe George Costanza who apologized for being underdressed because his Bedazzler [4] broke and there were rhinestones all over the dressing room floor.) The only other authentic person I saw was George Strait in the audience. Hope he got an award for something.

(*The crime [5].)